TEARS OF FEAR

 

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There are two vital choices made multiple times throughout any relationship; in fact my belief is that these very choices are the turning point which can keep a couple bonding together tighter in love, or add to the tears that are splitting them apart.

I personally do not handle intense fighting, actually, AT ALL. Whether due to the abuse as a child that came with such intense negative passion (some don’t like to call it anger), or if I am just more sensitive to “hurt” more than others, or my tear ducts just don’t work correctly; the picture is sad and ugly. This predicament (lol) has left me in a difficult position more than once, and being one who likes peace and balance, I have been so very frustrated not being able to find a balance in managing my response of such vulnerability.

CRYING, I abhor it. If for no other reason than what it is doing to the skin around my eyes and the profound bomb of a headache that builds up in my skull, I wish I didn’t cry. That is beside the fact that I have an awful lot of pride in my composure and ability to handle life. I seem to recognize lately that with my man, I CRY. Sometimes due to my excitement of seeing him after being gone a while, and sometimes due to his passionate negative expressions toward me. And definately CRYING will get a response, from whomever you are around. CRYING: a symptom triggered by deep emotion, a response to an emotion.

 

CRYING presents an open door housing HOPE and FEAR.

 

And the response of either LOVE or SPACE decides whether I move forward in HOPE and LOVE; or if love is not offered, and instead space is created without the offer of love, then FEAR stops me from progressing.

CRYING IS AN OPEN DOOR WHICH IF TREATED WITH CARE LEADS TO HOPE AND CONTINUED LOVE; BUT IF IGNORED OR ATTACKED WILL LEAD TO FEAR AND THE BUILDING OF WALLS

If you choose to attack me or leave me alone with my tears, then I WILL wipe my own tears while moving further away from those who hurt me when I’m already down. I believe that this is likely the same for anyone. I understand there is a risk that “a person crying may use this as a ploy to get attention or escape their wrongdoing”; HOWEVER, we all do not see tears as a weapon, but as a vulnerability.   Again, I hate crying, and each of us should be accepted for who we are and what code we each live our own lives by.

If instead you show care and therefore offer HOPE for the possibility of continued LOVE whey faced with someone’s tears, then a HUGE risk is being taken on their part that you could use their vulnerability to abuse their heart, which is the most sacred and vulnerable part of a human being. For, nevertheless, when a heart cries, the door is automatically open and vulnerable for you to embrace or push away.

 

 

 

Lord: help me to “pause”,                                   before I judge the tears of someone in front of me, so IF they truly have opened a vulnerable heart I do not damage it.   And, I if they are not sincere and have taken advantage of me, I will place in your hands not only how you deal with them but the reward for my choosing to do what is right for my heart.                          dona

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DO I NEED SOMEONE TO “HAVE MY BACK”?

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‘Bind’ up the hate that is loosed on earth’, and let ‘LOVE’ be loosed on earth.

 

 

.                                    DO I NEED GOD TO “HAVE MY BACK”?
Life happens. And our actions ‘whether good actions or bad actions’ will all have a result/consequence. The part  I love to focus on and have tried to drill into my children’s mind is God’s Promise that  HE WILL HAVE MY BACK  when “evil” tries to harm me, and will in fact make it turn out good. A promise causes me to walk down any path confidently.
And, helps guide me when checking to align my heart with Gods’.

 
In Wanting to learn of God’s ways and make ‘right’ choices for myself and to please God; I reference His words in reply to the disciples question about WHO IS THE GREATEST? Yes, in God’s eyes (kingdom). Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them and said unless they become ‘as’ little children, they would not enter the kingdom of heaven.

“Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. AND whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. BUT whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”   Matt. 20:4-6.

He goes on to express sad sentiment for the world because of their offenses! Because they will come; and for each of us living at this time we do not have to look far to notice the offenses in our world. BUT  . . .  the point he really wanted us to note…

“…but Woe to that man by whom the offense cometh!” (and) Take heed that you despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven…Even so it’s not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.”     Matt. 20: 7, 10, 14

                               DO YOU NEED ME TO FILL IN THE REST?
FEEL FREE TO RISK YOUR FATHER FINDING OUT YOU IGNORED HIS WORDS.

Feel free to risk your Father finding out that you went against His words; For myself, I think that even when someone throws ANGRY WORDS at me, attempts to LABEL or DECIMATE my character, or tries to HURT my feelings or spirit, I WILL LET HIM HAVE MY BACK!

 

A song so relevant today:
                     Oh, be careful little eyes what you see;
                      Oh, be careful little ears what you hear;
                    Oh, be careful little tongue what you say;
                Oh, be careful little little hands what you do;
                       Oh, be careful little feet where you go;
              for the Father up above is looking down in Love
“Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Then came Peter to Him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”     Matt. 20: 19-22

 

 

Oh Lord help me look at each person and situation with an open mind, ready to apply care and truth only; help my hands be careful what they do, my eyes careful what they see, my ears careful what they hear, my feet careful where they go, and please please help my tongue to be careful what it may say.                  dona

 

Bless me indeed, Expand my territory, Let Your hand be with me, Keep me from evil

 

 

 

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I AM NOT the sum of my Symptoms

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                 Brokenness – Danger – Kaos – Instability

There is a difference in someone who has been VICTIMized and deserves care and understanding and patience while healing from it. And those who “claim” or “play” a VICTIM to get something they do not want to work for themselves. I never thought about that much until I saw others assessing which category I was in.

(please remember that in continuing my belief in sharing “iamreallife” this is raw footage of my personal experience, and is shared to offer you freedom to feel yours.)

I had asked NO ONE (not even my mom who had made it clear that she would always be there for me through anything) to sympathize with me. As a child, I guess I never learned that I could. I made choices for myself and dealt with the struggle of obtaining what I needed or wanted myself. Later in life when I faced divorce and loss of livelihood, I was blessed with a couple of friends that stepped in to care and advise me through the initial shock. Yet even when I found myself in a position for severely needing help for myself and my boys, I again did not find myself exposing the circumstances that I was a victim of. Mainly, because I believed that natural human care for one another would be more than I and my children need. I have given excuses for nothing in my life, only looked for ways to be better. But I was a victim, and can look back and realize that this victim did need support.

The lack of feeling someone would understand would probably have been enough to push me through. And I did have some that understood; for a minute! But the pain and confusion went well past that minute. I look to stop any negative emotions thrown my direction in hopes to self-heal. And yet, possibly due to my weakened state, my mistakes and lack of concentration still create situations where I am pushed away as if everyone else is a victim of me. Followed with the realization that it is just the way some people see me, and I react usually with uncontrollable crying.
I do not claim to be a victim, I am just trying to be real. This is who I am right now, my brokenness has finally brought me to a place of fighting back, and I find that I simply cannot bear anymore negative put upon me. One moment I may be dealing with realizing the extent of the loss I suffered, or the horrific pain and abandonment my kids struggle with, or possibly I just miss my Father who passed away a couple of years ago, or wishing so desperately to speak to my Mom one last time who passed away months ago. I do not wish to claim it as anyones fault, it is definitely not my sweet boys’ fault, and I do not want them or any friend to feel the hurt from the pain that rises in me to overwhelming.

I try to hide my symptoms from others because they are not about anyone but me. But I can not change a wound that is not healed. I am in a broken state right now and I do not expect anyone to understand that, which is why I do not seek new friends which could put them in a position of trying to understand and to look past my symptoms only to possibly be around when I fall apart. I do not want anyone to hurt as a result of my symptoms which is why I try to isolate, which created in me a desire to run. I would rather die than face that I am a sum of my symptoms.

The kind, trusting spirit I seek to remain prevalent in my life, opens me up for attack. So, often when my pain leads me to the point of tears, I am told that I escalate a situation to an emotional level; although I really am just responding to a statement/emotion spoken to me. I did not bring the emotion in; but I did finally respond to it. Sadly I am at a point of fighting back to prove (only to myself) that I am not what is said of me, that I am worth more. The character traits you say about me are traits I despise, and if they truly are what you believe me to be, I will never be anything else in your eyes. You do not seem to believe in who I truly am; you choose to believe I am the symptoms you see; without understanding that my symptoms are the stepping stones to growth beyond my pain. .

And I . . .
I truly wish you understood and could believe in me – which would help heal my wounds. Yet I know that is selfish of me and it is not your responsibility.

 

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Father God, Let my mind stay focused on the next step up, for I know it leads to You. Fill my mind with Your TRUTH about me so that any words said must align with Your TRUTH or disappear like a whisper in the wind. Hold my pieces together when I can not, and help me accept that Your LOVE is the only LOVE that can keep my heart beating when I’m unsure any heart is left from being ripped apart. dona

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FEAR DRIVEN

You don’t REALLY know me, so you judge me according to your fears

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From religion to sports, to relationship; Fear is a primary motivator for what we choose to believe for ourselves, which then is what motivates our expectation of others. I have learned through the various paths I have found myself on in my life, that there is a special comfort and peace in one’s life when they have learned to see the Spirit and core belief in another’s values versus the path in life that they may be on and the symptoms it can produce.

– – – If we get to the “shoreline” and we all jump in together to swim toward obtaining the prize that awaits, due to the fear of not reaching the prize, real judgment can be passed on to the “symptom-ed” people on the team who slow-up multiple times along the way or complain of a problem that is impairing their ability to reach the target. They are part of the team who together must reach the prize; and the reality everyone is aware of is that “symptom-ed” are not pulling their weight, and are in fact making it even more difficult for others.

However; if you have known one of these “symptom-ed” for a long time or have been with them through a challenge before, then your reality is not the same as your teammates. Due to the facts that include the 20 mile run it took for them to just get to the shoreline, or the fact that their body is riddled with disease are not visible, you see more clearly the actual reality.  That in fact, this “symptom-ed” person who had every reason to not even make it to the shoreline, has such loyalty and determination that no matter how small the effort they could still muster up, they would not allow their reality to fail their team.  – – –

The “symptom-ed”, are completely aware of their weakness and therefore do not judge those that are judging him. Because, although he wishes they would understand and embrace his spirit and core values, he understands their reality is true based on the available knowledge of which they made their assessment.

Many blessings in life have resulted from my desire and ability

to quickly look past the symptoms of a person to see their core

value and beliefs that will always remain the foundation for

which a person will apply in life. Although their symptoms may 

still affect me in someway, it enables me to offer Grace allowing

them to keep pushing forward until they are back to full strength.

I believe that God created within each of us a mechanism that develops quick understanding and patience from pain we feel it our lives. Even after the pain is gone, the recognition of symptoms that pain produced enables us to issue care and Grace when we see the same symptoms produced in someone else. I find however, extra gratitude and admiration for a person who will offer that grace and understanding to someone based on trust without evidence, Trusting that God will honor your faith whether the symptoms shown are valid or not.

The fear of taking on unwarranted hurt due to supporting someone who cries from their symptoms is real; however, whether or not the symptoms prove to be truly warranted, the reward coming from Grace that produced healing will be magnified and returned one hundredfold.

 

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Lord, help me to not be Fear Driven because I know that in the end GRACE will be what sustains and heals us all.   Please fill me full of your Grace to overflow onto those I come in contact with throughout my days.                                     dona

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CROSS-ROADS

 

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It is actually pretty simple: Easter that is, the story of the cross and the message it left for us.  Life.  God sent his son to walk among us on this beautiful Earth to taste and see what life here offered and the impact of it ending.  And through His son, he left us with a message of hope that LIFE is bigger than Earth.  Jesus’ accepted death in exchange for the sins of ALL of us; all we must do is ACCEPT HIM.  Alongside Jesus on the cross hung two men at their Final Cross-Road.  One chose to “not believe” who Jesus was and the Grace he was offering; while the other simply accepted His Grace to which Jesus replied by offering him life in paradise.

Luke 23: 

42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

43 Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

 

We all will face this CROSS-Road;

WHAT WILL YOU CHOOSE WHEN AT THE CROSS.  

 

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God proved to the world three days later, through the resurrection of his son Jesus, that belief in God as Jesus taught us will lead us all to forgiveness and paradise.

I am grateful that Jesus was willing to die on the Cross allowing God to send a message through resurrection that this journey here on earth leads to a Cross-Road that can give us Life Everlasting with Him in paradise.

 

 

Lord, I choose you, no matter what I face or do not understand; I will always return to the cross and choose to be with you.          dona

 

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Bi-Polar Desires

Shoes: Celine furry flats

 

Most people’s image of a healthy male is one who can succeed on the job, on the athletic field, and in relationships, and changing diapers.   Women’s voices state they want a super-hero with the ability to “save the world, compete in the board room, catch and kill dinner while protecting us from the bad, and then come home sweet with roses and ready to change a diaper”.   Good luck raising that Moms!

 

Oh, and don’t forget to teach them the Mother Tongue; how to express his deepest feelings in a calm assuring way after a stressful day.  

 

DOES ANYONE SEE A PROBLEM WITH THIS !!   I FEEL LIKE I AM IN CANDY LAND.

 

I am not here to judge anyone who wants and feels that you have reached a fully equal relationship sharing equally all of the components of life between each other. What I would like to introduce is the thought of BEING EQUAL can mean something different than every detail being a 50/50 split.  I find that I can clean better than most men (some I have met do a hell of a job, but still not as quick and thorough as I can, bragging  Not only was I taught to clean very well as a little girl, but I have practiced it for many many hours) I find that I can also wrap gifts, decorate, make cupcakes and other things quicker or better, or complete a science project more in line with what my kids were wanting. And, I thank God, that most men, are so much better at building the dog house, repairing the car, at strategically dealing with the CEO of a company or saving and planning for a new home.   Must I say, Dear Lord, I can hear the murmuring about these comments before they even get on paper. None of this means that a woman can not accomplish what a man can; just dare me and I bet I can learn to do it quicker, better and faster than most any challenger.

As for me, I would prefer to do 70-80% of the work where my strengths lie; and “help” my partner with the 20-30% where his strengths lie. In fact, I want him to be in charge and responsible for those things where he is strongest. I prefer to trust him with those things while my stress level will drop dramatically if I can mostly handle and control the tasks I am good at.    THIS IS A GREAT EQUAL IN PARTNERSHIP   Equally split where we are both reaching 100% participation.

 

We must raise our children and offer grace for being less than “perfect “in all  areas of life.

Life is not perfect; and yet we still want to take what we learned as a child, mix it with the stuff we did not like and then teach the combination to our children, and we want our children to learn it.  It would be perfect, no?

 

Think about it:  We must talk openly about the boy-code when raising our boys. Talk to them about the new double-standard of masculinity that calls on boys of today to be “nice guys” but then pushes them to act like “toughies”.   To be “masculine” and then switch to “sensitive”. Prepare them with caution about when and with whom to show the sensitive side. As parents we must be careful not to put our own opinions and desires ahead of our son’s and not to attempt to manipulate his emotions – to guilt or shame him into doing what we want. Reward the “masculine” strengths in your son and let him know they do not take away from his sensitive efforts nor will they make him weak.

 

Dear Lord,  with the changing of society, please help each of us to be patient with the changing of women and of boy-codes; looking to see the “deep raising” of each boy and if an equal partnership can be accomplished.  Loving and admiring each others strengths, not expecting the other to be able to ‘perfectly” do what we can.  And help us to continue to raise our boys to be masculine and strong and wise and yet share their mother-taught sensitivity with those he loves.                    dona

 

 

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** Please note that many quotes and references will be made to the book: REAL BOYS by William Pollack, Ph.D. from my learnings and knowledge gained when I read his book.   I encourage you to pick the book up and get all the greatness from it.

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THE INNER VOICES OF BOYS AND MEN

– DIRECTED AT RAISING YOUR BOYS TO BE REAL MEN–

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Our culture is cultivating dangerous dynamics for becoming a good man. “It is obvious in our overcrowded prisons and domestic violence shelters, in our adult bookstores and white supremacy groups, in our Ritalin-controlled elementary schools and alcohol-soaked college campuses. Boys are falling behind. Thrust into competition with their peers some boys invest so much energy into keeping up their emotional guard and disguising their deepest and most vulnerable feelings, they often have little or no energy left to apply themselves to their schoolwork”     [Real Boys, William Pollack, Ph.D]

 

When I found that I was having my first baby boy, I was lost. What was I to do with a boy, I asked my sisters? I actually cried, they won’t shop with me, I can’t fix their hair, we won’t relate. . . oh my Lord was I wrong. They are the very best thing ever! And a desire arose within me to learn and ensure that we would raise them up to be good strong dependable men. The first book I was given that impressed me so, was BRINGING UP BOYS by James Dobson. If you have boys, or just a man in your life, I suggest you get and read for I not only was prepared for many things that I would have done in raising my boys that would have shamed and dampened their spirit as men, all based on my lack of knowledge regarding the makeup of BOYS. It prepared and guided me in raising my boys and understanding my man more. Later in the boys life I was given another book which I recently picked up and could not put down as it spoke of many things I was currently looking to better understand and help in my boys life as well as my man’s life. I struggled greatly whether to make my next few writings regarding the BOYS IN MY LIFE, from a viewpoint as a Man’s Woman, or my Boy’s Mom. You will see that I chose to write from the viewpoint of my Boy’s Mom; for when I say, “IT ALL BEGINS WITH THE WOMAN” I believe that to be true as Mom’s we are the first and most valuable teachers with strong enough love to keep the doors open for our Boys, and as women we continue to be the one who must keep that door open or regret being shut out behind it.

 

 

 

 

As a boy, and later as a man, many feel a sadness and disconnection they cannot describe due to society’s mixed messages about what is expected of them. There is this undefined but very big “Man Code” which is learned and when boys don’t conform to these ideas, society has ways of shame-hardening them into compliance.   Boys, feeling ashamed of their vulnerability, mask their emotions and ultimately their true selves.

 

So how do we help them, and what happens if they aren’t helped.

Boys are getting mixed messages, ‘to be manly but empathetic, cool but open strong yet vulnerable.” They are misunderstood if they act tough, AND misunderstood if they act nice. SO, how can I give the boy the love he needs to still prepare him for tough made culture?

 

ONE BOYS WORD’S REGARDING SHAME AND ABUSE HE WAS FACING AT SCHOOL.

“I don’t show them that they can hurt me. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of everybody. I get a little down, but I’m very good at hiding it. It’s like I wear a mask. Even when the kids call me names or taunt me, I never show them how much it crushes me inside. I keep it all in. When asked what does one do with the sadness? I ted to let it boil inside until I can’t hold it any longer, and then I explode. It’s like I have a breakdown, screaming and yelling.”   HIDE BEHIND THE MASK. And too often we compliment this action as being tough and “handling it”. Hiding behind the mask and using it to hide his deepest thoughts and feelings – his real self – from everyone, even the people closest to him. Creating a man who presents himself as one who can handle it, everything is fine, I am invincible.

 

 

There are many situations that as a boy cannot be handled alone – but due to shame and blame and “tough” rules, it presents a position where they do not know how to ask for help, even from people who love him. As this boy grows, he feels it necessary to cut himself off from any feelings that society teaches him is unacceptable for men and boys – fear, uncertainty, feelings of loneliness and need.   They think it necessary that they handle their problems alone. The problem for those who want to help or love, is that on the outside they seem cheerful and resilient while keeping inside the feelings that don’t fit the “male code” They have learned to wear the mask skillfully, in fact they don’t even know they are doing it, and problems below the surface become very obvious only when boys or men go “over the edge”.

 

“The “man code” is so strong yet so subtle, in its influence that boys may not even know they are living their lives in accordance with it. In fact, they may not realize there is such a thing until they violate the code in some way … and, when they do, however, society tends to let them know – swiftly and forcefully…” [Real Boys, William Pollack, Ph.D.]

 

Get behind the Mask

Do you really want to learn how to understand a “boy’s” deepest feelings and experience, to come to know who he really is and to help him love and feel comfortable…

  • As parents, we must first become sensitive to the early signs of the masking of feelings.
  • Learn a “new way” to talk to them, so they don’t feel afraid or ashamed. No aggression even if in defense, listen and ask in a “helpful” way
  • Learn how to accept a boy’s own emotional unique schedule for sharing. Respect his need to be silent and set the clock himself – to determine how much time he needs to remain silent before opening up to share his feelings. If we learn to become sensitive to each boy’s unique timing, we become better at respecting how he copes with emotions and makes it more possible for him to be honest about the feelings behind the mask.
  • Enter his space – forge a connection that then enables him to feels safe enough to open up.
  • Share your own experiences – and by discovering that we too have felt scared, embarrassed, or disappointed, he begins to feel less ashamed of his own vulnerable feelings.

 

MIXED MESSAGES

We now say that we want boys to share their vulnerable feelings, but at the same time we expect them to cover their need for dependency and hide their natural feelings of love and caring behind the mask of masculine autonomy and strength. It’s an impossible assignment for any boy. Boys learn to suffer quietly, in retreat behind the mask of masculinity. They cannot speak, and we can not hear. We choose to believe – that boy doesn’t need us, when in fact he needs us very much.

Lord, help my ears to hear my boys “inner voice”; and continually guide him onto your path.        dona

 

 

 

** Please note that many quotes and references will be made to the book: REAL BOYS by William Pollack, Ph.D. from my learnings and knowledge gained when I read his book.   I encourage you to pick the book up and get all the greatness from it.

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Laughing, From the Bottom of the Pile

 

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Very fortunately I happened upon some video of MLB Brawls and I could not quit watching them; I laughed and laughed, and I laughed.   If you EVER question if the “boy within” still exists; please just watch a few baseball brawls.   Although there are a lot of high dollar fingers, hands, arms and feet in that “brawl pile”; nothing matters but the adrenaline of hearing one foul word or one thrown punch and you will soon find boys running and diving to the bottom of the pile.   And it is a race to see who can get there first. What I found so consistent with every brawl was with just one verbal or physical punch; wait for it this is where it will make you smile, it could not end there. With anticipation and excitement, I awaited the stream of grown, high profile men (players) who could not help but run out to join the brawl.   It does not matter who is throwing a punch, every man is running to the pile and wants IN!!! No longer is he a wealthy, strong, composed and admired man; what you see is little boys rushing in to . . . play? I doubt “play” is the word a man would use here, but from my perspective, with a big smile . . . LET THE FUN BEGIN!   Every moment, every punch, it is all worth it when dragged away from the pile with wounds proudly showing that YOU SURVIVED THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE.

 

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Lately I seem to find myself at the bottom of the pile to often. And so in between my tears I continue to try and find more and more moments and reasons to throw my legs up in the air just to laugh and smile from the bottom of the pile.

 

 

Try this:  Pick one of your battles today that you can step outside of and laugh at how ridiculous in the grandness of life, that one issue appears to be.

 

Lord, help me laugh.  A lot.               dona

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NO SHAME – It Is My SUPERPOWER

 

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**“Because SHAME is such an undesirable experience, I have found that most boys (and men) will do ANYTHING to avoid the possibility of experiencing it.”

 

I once was told, “When a man has an affair, you can tell by the way he acts”. He will become ever so loving, attentive and doting to his partner.” This is due to SHAME. And in this circumstance, I believe warranted; but understand that the SHAME WILL CHANGE HIM. This is why it is so very difficult and almost impossible for a marriage to overcome an affair due to the shame that is on the back of the doer even with full forgiveness from the partner. With that thought and recognition to how impactful shame is on someone who has done wrong, you MUST fully recognize the power of shame before you “curse” someone you love with it because it will change the dynamics of communication, love and trust between the two of you.

 

The HEART OF A MAN you desire to love and nurture and treasure you, is the very heart that has been raised by our society (at the least) with shame-hardening lessons. It is a process that causes boys and men to develop a thick skin, a strong resistance to showing any emotions that might lead them to feel ashamed. This hardening comes from an intense wish to protect himself from “losing face” or feeling dishonored as a boy or man, or in front of the woman he cherishes.

 

DO NOT EVER SHAME YOUR SON!   EVER!

DO NOT EVER SHAME YOUR MAN!   EVER!

 

Ladies, If he shames himself, that is on him and he will bear it, believe me, some day some way he will bear it.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

 

 

I believe that if you can understand the impact of shame at an adult level, then you will be more aware and will take great caution in how you handle and regard our boys who are growing up. There were some difficult times in raising my boys where I would strong arm them to a point, but pausing short of teaching them a lesson in a way that would bring shame to them. If I wanted them to grow up and be strong, confident in their decisions, able to make positive choices; then I needed them to do it as free of shame as possible.

 

While they are growing, continue to do all you can to help them reconnect. Below are some ways to accomplish this; and as you do these, you will find ways that work specifically for your boy.

  • At least once a day, give your boys your undivided attention – ensuring that you show him his voice is being heard and is impactful; until he feels some PRIDE. The least this does is send him the message that you are there and that you care and it is worth sharing these things with you.
  • Encourage the expression of a full range of emotions –within a respectful way, of course; use this time to teach him “if” he goes into an area of disrespect when expressing: happy, sad, tired, disappointed, scared, nervous and even angry. Ask him about all relationships in his world and what he enjoys about them and what he finds difficult. Ask about the “positive” and “negative” situations or feelings in his life.
  • When a boy expresses vulnerable feelings, avoid teasing or taunting him – realizing the difference when a great friend of his can “tease” him and it be BRO-TIME and when you “tease” it brings shame; or where you “tease” him and it is playful or where you “tease” and it brings shames.
  • Avoid using shaming language in talking with a boy – address a situation by speaking about what he can do that will get him FAR, instead of speaking about the situation and what he did that will make him fail.
  • Look behind anger, aggression, and rambunctiousness – seek to know if he has been hurt or shamed by someone and help free him of the shame felt, or let him express his manhood in a contained way.
  • Express your love and empathy openly and generously – love and empathy equal care and approval.
  • Let boys know that they don’t need to be “sturdy oaks” – At least not all the time. Where relationships are the strongest is when entwined; this balances out the burden of pressure put on just one. As when strands are entwined and become stronger, the pressure for one is strong and then when weakened by the curve, the other strand is straight and bears the pressure (and visa versa) sharing the pressure continually between one another just as a relationship should be.

 

Lord, keep me aware of how I not only address by boys, or my man, but how I address and speak to anyone; whether deserved or not I want to sleep each night knowing that I was a strength and blessing.             dona

** Please note that many quotes and references will be made to the book: REAL BOYS by William Pollack, Ph.D. from my learnings and knowledge gained when I read his book.   I encourage you to pick the book up and get all the greatness from it.

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BECOME A CHAMPION – FROM VICTIM

 

 

gold pump

 

Victims are around us or may be us usually without choice; however when a situation arises that puts you in a weakened position, make your choice to become a Champion each and every time. The challenge is not to once again be who you thought you were; the challenge is to rise above what your situation wants you to become and be better.

 

WHEN YOU MASTER YOURSELF,                                    YOU MASTER YOUR ENVIRONMENT.

 

When we touched fire for the first time and it burned, we chose to make changes in order to not put ourselves in a position to be burned again. As life gets more complicated and we become victims of situations, we are not always able to “simply and quickly” maneuver to a position where we do not get “burned” again.   We all learn from a position of victimization whether we choose to in the future completely avoid the situation that burns us, or weigh the “benefit vs need” and take the risk of not being burned. Allowing a situation in our life where we choose to risk ongoing victimization as an offset for future advancement does not mean that you are a victim.   We can all get trapped in a position of being a long-time victim due to sympathy given or ongoing needs being met; but this position will only weaken you more and more until you have no strength to become a Champion again.

 

For those who give the care to others in life, I caution you to not reach a point of caring so long that you began to act as judge to those who face victimization by deciding when they have healed enough to be on top. Giving of your care as well as your finances are to be given as if to God himself. Your heart to give and care will be rewarded by God whether the “victimized” person still “needs’ it or not. Give encouragement, give guidance, give hope to a victim that becoming a Champion over each crisis IS within reach. This is for sure the most successful way to ensure a Champion success over victim mentality.

I love you. I care for you. And I am sorry for what happened to you. You are stronger than the situation, You are a Champion.

 

Think about it:  Take piece by piece of your mountain and become  Champion over each piece until you realize you are no longer a victim.  One step at a time.  And care for those who were victimized instead of victimizing them more.

 

 

Lord, continue to fill me with hope until I can believe I am a Champion again.        dona

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